It’s been awhile since I’ve had to write a post like this. It’s been awhile since I’ve gone through this roller coaster of emotions.
We have been chugging along waiting for Samar’s counts to go up these last few weeks. At times, we’ve grown impatient because waiting for count recovery is like waiting for paint to dry. Well, as much as I needed to check my impatience, the past 24 hours was a good reminder of just how much better “boring and uneventful” is, and just how much I took it for granted.
About this time yesterday, one of the doctors did her routine check-up on Samar. We had just finished eating ice cream. She noticed something on her tongue and asked how long it had been there. I hadn’t noticed anything previously and thought maybe it was just from the ice cream. But after trying to remove it, it wouldn’t come off of her tongue. It wasn’t there the day before as she did the same check-up previously and knew that it was something new. Immediately, her wheels started turning and before we knew it, the ENT (Ear, Nose, Throat) team had been looped in and they were now calling this a “lesion.” Samar was put on orders to be NPO (nothing by mouth) after 5am and put on the standby (add-on) list for procedures the following morning for a biopsy.
NPO. Our favorite. No one likes to be deprived of food. It’s a challenging situation to manage when we have to keep it from Samar and continually distract her when she’s asking for food. I don’t know about you, but food deprivation does not make for a happy Anna, and food deprivation for Samar makes for a hangry two-and-a-half-year-old toddler. And we’ve been through this standby thing enough times to know that whatever time you are told is always a “suggestion” and never ever a guarantee. In fact, in almost every situation, she’s almost always gone in for procedure well after the suggested time. We knew we would have to distract her, meanwhile trying to keep our emotions in check and thoughts from wandering on what exactly this lesion could be.
We went through most of the day like this with me, once again, holding my breath waiting for all of this to happen. Then there comes the time you have to walk to the unit where they prep your child for their procedure. It doesn’t matter how many times we’ve had to do it in this process, it’s never an easy thing to watch your baby being put under and leaving them in someone else’s care while you wait on pins and needles for results. It’s usually also the place where I finally release the emotions that have been building and stay pent up all day, until everything just overflows when they wheel her away. We’ve gotten to know the nurses in this unit. They’re used to asking us if we need a minute, give us some privacy and hand us a box of tissues.
It’s a good cry. It really feels good to let it out. But there’s absolutley no way to feel relaxed because you’re still waiting for your child to come out of their procedure safely, and of course, you’re at the edge of your seat waiting for the doctor to speak with you to relay to you just how everything went.
Thankfully, the procedure was quick. And the doctor told us he was able to remove what he needed. Everything was sent off to pathology and it will be a few days before we get any results. There are a few things they think it could be, but those results will be more definitive.
BREATHE. (for now).
It will be another few days of waiting anxiously, praying especially for those results. Really hoping it’s nothing to worry about.
Thank you as always for those continued thoughts and prayers of love and support. It truly gets us through our days. You all never miss an opportunity to let us know that you are still thinking about us and standing behind our family to get us to the other side.
I truly hope there is a collective sigh waitinig for all of us at the end of this tunnel.